Romance scams are the highest-loss-per-victim scam targeting older adults. The average loss is around $13,000 according to FTC 2024 data, but losses of $100,000 or more are common. Widowed and divorced older adults are the most targeted because loneliness is the entry point.
This one is harder to spot from the outside, harder to discuss with a parent, and harder to undo. Here is what to know.
How the modern romance scam works
It is a long con. Step by step:
- The contact. Usually Facebook, Instagram, dating apps, or sometimes a random Words with Friends or Solitaire game. The scammer reaches out with a friendly message.
- The persona. Often an attractive, slightly younger photo of a "widowed contractor working overseas," a "military officer," a "doctor doing relief work." Always something that explains why they cannot meet in person.
- The grooming. Weeks or months of daily contact. Loving messages, future plans, "I have never felt this way before." The scammer is patient.
- The crisis. Something happens. Locked passport, medical emergency, business deal stuck in customs. They need help. Just a small amount.
- The escalation. Small payments lead to bigger ones. Eventually big lump sums. Sometimes investment "opportunities" (pig butchering).
- The collapse. Either the victim runs out of money or the scammer disappears. The relationship was fake the whole time.
Median timeline from first contact to first payment: 67 days according to research from the AARP Fraud Watch Network.
The tells (from outside)
Signs your parent may be in a romance scam:
- A new "partner" they have not met in person. Especially if the partner has reasons they cannot video call clearly.
- Secrecy about money. Parents who are usually open about finances start being vague.
- Withdrawals. Visits to the bank to wire money, buy gift cards, or transfer funds to crypto exchanges.
- Defensiveness about the relationship. "You do not understand," "we are in love," "they would never lie to me."
- Stories about why they cannot meet. Always a reason. Oil rig, military deployment, custody battle, surgery, plane delay.
- Requests to help solve their partner's "problem." The partner's lawyer needs paying, their child needs a kidney transplant, their shipment is stuck.
The tells (from inside, for your parent)
Things to gently encourage your parent to notice:
- Have you ever met in person? If no, that is the biggest tell.
- Have you done a clear video call? Scammers often deflect or use heavily edited / pre-recorded "videos."
- Are you sending them money? Or buying gift cards? Or moving things to crypto for them?
- Did the relationship escalate fast emotionally? "I love you" within weeks of meeting online is a tell.
- Do they always have a reason they cannot do something simple? Like coming to visit, taking a video call at a normal time, or sharing a real-time location.
How to talk to your parent about it
This is the hard part. Romance scam victims are emotionally invested. They often defend the scammer until the bitter end. Some never accept that the relationship was fake.
What tends to work:
- Do not call it a scam directly. Not at first. The defensiveness shuts the conversation down.
- Ask questions, not statements. "How did you meet?" "Have you talked on video?" "Do they know what you do for fun?"
- Show interest in the relationship. Counterintuitive, but it is the only way to get details. Ask to see photos. Ask to see messages.
- Find one inconsistency. A photo that reverse-image-searches to a stolen image. A story that does not match a previous story. Then show them.
- Reverse image search the photos. Use Google Images or TinEye. If the photo appears on multiple unrelated profiles or stock photo sites, the persona is fake.
- Let them save face. "This person tricked a lot of really smart people. The scam is sophisticated. You are not stupid for missing it."
What to do if you find proof
If you have hard evidence (reverse-image match, financial records of payments, scammer admitted on video, etc.):
- Document everything. Screenshot every message. Save every financial record.
- Stop the bleeding. Block the scammer on every platform. Freeze accounts they have access to.
- Report. FTC: reportfraud.ftc.gov. FBI IC3: ic3.gov. The dating site or social platform where contact began.
- Try to recover money. Wire transfers can sometimes be recalled in the first 24 to 48 hours. Gift cards can sometimes be frozen by the issuer. Crypto is almost always gone.
- Support emotionally. Victims often feel deep shame. The relationship was real to them even if the partner was not. Counseling helps.
The prevention move
Two settings to enable on your parent's social media:
- Private profile. Scammers cannot target accounts they cannot find.
- Filter friend requests. Most platforms let you screen requests from people without mutual friends.
And one rule for the family:
No money to anyone you have not met in person.
Not for emergencies. Not for surgery. Not for shipments. Not for surprises.
Real partners visit. Real relationships have shared lives. Anyone who is "always" stuck somewhere is not real.
The safety net
If you suspect your parent might be vulnerable to romance scams, set up a tripwire. Kinline can monitor for the patterns (suspicious wire requests, gift card runs, sudden new "partner" mentions in forwarded emails). When the pattern shows up, you get an alert. Earlier intervention means more recoverable money and more salvageable trust.
For more, see our scam roundup and how to help parents identify scam calls in real time.